|—||Demi Lavato, ‘Unbroken’|
Friday May 3rd.
I haven’t used the butterfly project in a few months. I’ve just been giving into my urges and letting my medication do it’s work. I haven’t cut in 3 and a half weeks (it will be 4 weeks come Monday.
This evening I’ve just been really depressed and not only have I had the urge to cut but I’ve also had the urge to wall punch, which is what I used to do before the cutting.
A friend once again disappointed me and as always I fell into her trap- thinking she would come over and we could hang out and just talk (she always bails or is always busy) so it shouldn’t have come as a surprise that that never happened, us hanging out I mean, and I’ve just been real low about it and the urges both the SI and the depression have been at peak levels.
I really don’t want to cut. This is the first time in the semesters I’ve been at school where I haven’t cut this close to finals and I don’t want my issues with my friend to be the reason I relapse.
And so tonight I have been distracting myself and when those haven’t been enough I figured the butterflies.
When I SI, I use rubbing alcohol on my tool before and after just as a form of sterilization.
But when I’m not cutting and I smell rubbing alcohol I feel a kind of frenzy from the smell.
The best way I can describe it is you know in those vampire movies or whatever when a vampire smells blood they take in the smell through their nostrils and then just smile- that’s how it is when I smell rubbing alcohol.
Haven’t posted in a while. So far things are good.
I’ve been meeting with my counselor. A few weeks ago I met with my psychologist and my general practictioner. My counselor and my pyschologist recommended that I go back on my medication so my GP prescribed me the medication again.
I have that habit of going on it and then off it. The med will start to work and I’ll feel fine and so I just take myself off. I won’t be doing that anymore though. I’ve always said that but this time I’m more committed to being on it for as long as I need to.
The last time I cut was 3 weeks ago. Ever since then and now because of the medication everything is much better. My days are still the same routine but I’m a lot more balanced.
My SI urges no longer reach a level of 7 or higher. I have this scale that I measure the urges. 1 being low, 10 being high. Anything that’s 7 or more and that’s when I usually start to cut. Thanks to my medication though I haven’t had it that high.
The anxiety is still there but it’s not as frequent.
No longer sleeping during the day. I’m finally sleeping better at night. Last night was the first night I did not move at all. I ended up waking up with a stiff shoulder and neck because of it but I felt happy because I was able to sleep regularly, well that’s kind of new. Even though I’ve been on the medication for a few weeks now I do sleep well but last night was really the first where I didn’t move at all which I find surprising.
My poetry class gives me the most anxiety to the point where I stopped talking all together in that class but yesterday I was able to speak up and it felt great.
And out of all the semesters I’ve been in school this is the first time with it getting down to the wire and finals where I haven’t cut! That’s usually when I get the most stressed out and cut is around finals but I haven’t.
I am so glad my medication is working. I genuinely feel good even though the routine is still the same.
With school over for a while I won’t be seeing my counselor for a while but I do have my psychologist back home that I will be seeing so as long as I do that and stay on the meds then I’ll be okay.
It really is a relief at this point and I’m starting to feel genuinely proud of my accomplishments.
I hate what my SI has become now. When before I used to have a justifyable reason for doing it now it no longer is that way. I need a fix constantly. It’s on my mind every minute of every day. Screw having plans for the future, what’s the point when all I can handle is getting through the day minute by minute.
I’m running out of ways to stop it.
Before working out used to help but now it doesn’t. I see it as another form of SI and I’ll tell you why.
Back before I used to cut I would wall punch and bruise. My wrist and nerves are all fucked up that it always feels like any minute the wrist will just snap and break.
I used working out to help with the SI urges but now I keep pushing myself as far as weight lifting not giving a damn about the pain in my hand, not carrying if it breaks or whatever.
Working out used to be a solid ground for me but now it’s become another form of SI because now all I think about is how much pain will I cause myself this time or will this be the day my bones finally give out.
I wish I knew what to do.
Okay so for years I keep saying I want to stop, I want to stop, I want to stop. At this point saying all of that feels like a load of crap.
How many times have I told myself that I would stop? How many times have I told my parents I would quit? And I don’t.
It’s all just a bunch of lies at this point, finding one excuse after another to do it.
I really freaked myself out when I SI’d on Saturday. The cuts weren’t bad enough to require real medical attention but they were bad enough that they bled more than I’m used to and that I had to change my own after-care habits. Gone were the XL bandaids I used and in place were gauze pads and gauze rolls.
I never want to feel that way again, the feeling of being so out of control that one of these days I’ll end up going so deep that there will be no coming back from it.
I want to stop for good this time. I just wish I knew how I could mean it.