Another Lonely Soul in the 'Verse

dinhtheresa: I like being alone, but I hate the feeling of being lonely. When you’re alone, you...

Wed, 15 May 2013 09:51:13 -0500

I like being alone, but I hate the feeling of being lonely.

When you’re alone, you have time for yourself. Your thoughts finally catch up to you. You set your mind on things and everything is just clearer. Nothing’s bothering you and everything just feels right for once.

When you feel lonely, you feel as if no one’s there for you. It feels like no one understands you or is willing to listen. It feels like you’re screaming in a crowded room, but yet not one person looks up.

yourbombbuddy: Castle; Kill Shot//The Human Factor -Who says I...

Tue, 07 May 2013 17:01:36 -0500

yourbombbuddy:

Castle; Kill Shot//The Human Factor

-Who says I want bigger things?

-Practically everything about you screams it.

Photo

Sun, 05 May 2013 06:44:09 -0500

"Cutting is something that’s so taboo that nobody talks about. Because I think it’s..."

Sat, 04 May 2013 07:32:52 -0500

““Cutting is something that’s so taboo that nobody talks about. Because I think it’s something that you can physically see on someone you can physically see their pain um it freaks people out and they don’t know what to do and they don’t know how to talk about it and its uncomfortable””

- Demi Lavato, ‘Unbroken’

"When I was stressed and panicked and kind of like freaking out like I didn’t know what to do,..."

Sat, 04 May 2013 07:30:34 -0500

““When I was stressed and panicked and kind of like freaking out like I didn’t know what to do, that’s what I would do”- Demi Lavato, “Unbroken””

Friday May 3rd. I haven’t used the butterfly project in a...

Fri, 03 May 2013 18:58:41 -0500

Friday May 3rd.

I haven’t used the butterfly project in a few months. I’ve just been giving into my urges and letting my medication do it’s work. I haven’t cut in 3 and a half weeks (it will be 4 weeks come Monday.

This evening I’ve just been really depressed and not only have I had the urge to cut but I’ve also had the urge to wall punch, which is what I used to do before the cutting.

A friend once again disappointed me and as always I fell into her trap- thinking she would come over and we could hang out and just talk (she always bails or is always busy) so it shouldn’t have come as a surprise that that never happened, us hanging out I mean, and I’ve just been real low about it and the urges both the SI and the depression have been at peak levels.

I really don’t want to cut. This is the first time in the semesters I’ve been at school where I haven’t cut this close to finals and I don’t want my issues with my friend to be the reason I relapse.

And so tonight I have been distracting myself and when those haven’t been enough I figured the butterflies.

Some friends just can't be relyed on

Fri, 03 May 2013 17:03:19 -0500

Why do I even bother with the one and only friend I do have?

We go to the same school. She knows where I live and she makes plans to come visit me at my place but then when it comes down to it there’s always one excuse or another.

‘Oh I don’t have time’

‘Oh I don’t have time to come up to your apartment’.

Yeah those are just excuses for saying I don’t want to climb three freakin’ flights of stairs.

And every time we make plans I’m dumb enough to actually think she’ll come through even though she rarely does.

Demi Lavato talks about her own struggles with cutting

Fri, 03 May 2013 05:54:00 -0500

Demi Lavato talks about her own struggles with cutting

SI Confession: I can't smell rubbing alcohol without getting a "high" from it because I'm reminded of my SI ritual

Thu, 02 May 2013 21:03:38 -0500

When I SI, I use rubbing alcohol on my tool before and after just as a form of sterilization.

But when I’m not cutting and I smell rubbing alcohol I feel a kind of frenzy from the smell.

The best way I can describe it is you know in those vampire movies or whatever when a vampire smells blood they take in the smell through their nostrils and then just smile- that’s how it is when I smell rubbing alcohol.

Photo

Thu, 02 May 2013 20:34:57 -0500

Photo

Thu, 02 May 2013 20:28:07 -0500

Progress of my recovery

Wed, 01 May 2013 09:40:51 -0500

Haven’t posted in a while. So far things are good.

I’ve been meeting with my counselor. A few weeks ago I met with my psychologist and my general practictioner. My counselor and my pyschologist recommended that I go back on my medication so my GP prescribed me the medication again.

I have that habit of going on it and then off it. The med will start to work and I’ll feel fine and so I just take myself off. I won’t be doing that anymore though. I’ve always said that but this time I’m more committed to being on it for as long as I need to.

The last time I cut was 3 weeks ago. Ever since then and now because of the medication everything is much better. My days are still the same routine but I’m a lot more balanced.

My SI urges no longer reach a level of 7 or higher. I have this scale that I measure the urges. 1 being low, 10 being high. Anything that’s 7 or more and that’s when I usually start to cut. Thanks to my medication though I haven’t had it that high.

The anxiety is still there but it’s not as frequent.

No longer sleeping during the day. I’m finally sleeping better at night. Last night was the first night I did not move at all. I ended up waking up with a stiff shoulder and neck because of it but I felt happy because I was able to sleep regularly, well that’s kind of new. Even though I’ve been on the medication for a few weeks now I do sleep well but last night was really the first where I didn’t move at all which I find surprising.

My poetry class gives me the most anxiety to the point where I stopped talking all together in that class but yesterday I was able to speak up and it felt great.

And out of all the semesters I’ve been in school this is the first time with it getting down to the wire and finals where I haven’t cut! That’s usually when I get the most stressed out and cut is around finals but I haven’t.

I am so glad my medication is working. I genuinely feel good even though the routine is still the same.

With school over for a while I won’t be seeing my counselor for a while but I do have my psychologist back home that I will be seeing so as long as I do that and stay on the meds then I’ll be okay.

It really is a relief at this point and I’m starting to feel genuinely proud of my accomplishments.

castleocd: This describes perfectly Beckett in season 4

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 06:53:37 -0500

castleocd:

This describes perfectly Beckett in season 4

"I don’t know who I am anymore. Or how I got here. I miss who I used to be. I wanna have a home..."

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 21:03:36 -0500

“I don’t know who I am anymore. Or how I got here. I miss who I used to be. I wanna have a home again, you know? And real friends, the kind of friendships we used to believe in. I miss that.”

- Peyton Sawyer

SI Confession: I miss the days when my SI made sense. When there was reason and logic behind it. Now there's nothing but the need and fix of it.

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 11:36:08 -0500

SI Confession: Partial Story of an Addict

Mon, 08 Apr 2013 07:37:00 -0500

I hate what my SI has become now. When before I used to have a justifyable reason for doing it now it no longer is that way. I need a fix constantly. It’s on my mind every minute of every day. Screw having plans for the future, what’s the point when all I can handle is getting through the day minute by minute.

I’m running out of ways to stop it.

Before working out used to help but now it doesn’t. I see it as another form of SI and I’ll tell you why.

Back before I used to cut I would wall punch and bruise. My wrist and nerves are all fucked up that it always feels like any minute the wrist will just snap and break.

I used working out to help with the SI urges but now I keep pushing myself as far as weight lifting not giving a damn about the pain in my hand, not carrying if it breaks or whatever.

Working out used to be a solid ground for me but now it’s become another form of SI because now all I think about is how much pain will I cause myself this time or will this be the day my bones finally give out.

I wish I knew what to do.

Photo

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 18:40:13 -0500

Photo

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 18:38:39 -0500

SI Confession: You know your SI has become an addiction when you no longer have a justifyable reason for doing it

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 18:36:24 -0500

SI Addiction Confession: It's just one you tell yourself. It's no big deal. But when one becomes two and two becomes three then maybe there's a problem. And when there's no reason at all then you know you're screwed

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 09:22:27 -0500