I like being alone, but I hate the feeling of being lonely.
When you’re alone, you have time for yourself. Your thoughts finally catch up to you. You set your mind on things and everything is just clearer. Nothing’s bothering you and everything just feels right for once.
When you feel lonely, you feel as if no one’s there for you. It feels like no one understands you or is willing to listen. It feels like you’re screaming in a crowded room, but yet not one person looks up.
Castle; Kill Shot//The Human Factor
-Who says I want bigger things?
-Practically everything about you screams it.
|—||Demi Lavato, ‘Unbroken’|
Friday May 3rd.
I haven’t used the butterfly project in a few months. I’ve just been giving into my urges and letting my medication do it’s work. I haven’t cut in 3 and a half weeks (it will be 4 weeks come Monday.
This evening I’ve just been really depressed and not only have I had the urge to cut but I’ve also had the urge to wall punch, which is what I used to do before the cutting.
A friend once again disappointed me and as always I fell into her trap- thinking she would come over and we could hang out and just talk (she always bails or is always busy) so it shouldn’t have come as a surprise that that never happened, us hanging out I mean, and I’ve just been real low about it and the urges both the SI and the depression have been at peak levels.
I really don’t want to cut. This is the first time in the semesters I’ve been at school where I haven’t cut this close to finals and I don’t want my issues with my friend to be the reason I relapse.
And so tonight I have been distracting myself and when those haven’t been enough I figured the butterflies.
Why do I even bother with the one and only friend I do have?
We go to the same school. She knows where I live and she makes plans to come visit me at my place but then when it comes down to it there’s always one excuse or another.
‘Oh I don’t have time’
‘Oh I don’t have time to come up to your apartment’.
Yeah those are just excuses for saying I don’t want to climb three freakin’ flights of stairs.
And every time we make plans I’m dumb enough to actually think she’ll come through even though she rarely does.
When I SI, I use rubbing alcohol on my tool before and after just as a form of sterilization.
But when I’m not cutting and I smell rubbing alcohol I feel a kind of frenzy from the smell.
The best way I can describe it is you know in those vampire movies or whatever when a vampire smells blood they take in the smell through their nostrils and then just smile- that’s how it is when I smell rubbing alcohol.